family
First, let me say that this post is not intended to get everyone all in a tizzy. Instead, I'd like to share my thoughts and (few) experiences about discipline while getting some of your opinions as well!
Discipline is by far the hardest part of this parenting gig. Harder than newborn babies. Harder than breastfeeding. Harder than sleep training. Harder than getting your kid to eat. Harder than anything we've done so far. Little Miss Addie takes after her momma in this department, therefore she is hot-blooded and needs to have the last word. (Am I right, Phil? Mom? Dad? Anyone else who has ever argued with me??)
The kind of parent I want to be is loving, calm, and caring, 100% of the time. I want my kids to trust me. I don't want them to fear me, not at all. I don't want to raise my voice. I don't want to yell. I don't want to grab or spank. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me. However, my instinct is to raise my voice, spank, and insight fear into Addie's little soul so that she'll realize I'm not messing around and so that she'll change her ways and stop actin' a fool. :) Just kidding... Slightly...
Two things I know about this method of parenting so far: 1) These things are ALWAYS about me releasing my anger instead of about teaching my child a lesson, and 2) Neither of them work. At least not for me or my kid. I have to remind myself that discipline should not be about me being the boss or getting my anger out. I also have to remind myself that Addie isn't even two.
A friend of mine told me awhile back, "I'm not responsible for controlling my children. I'm responsible for teaching my children to be able to control themselves." That has stuck with me for a long time. Until this week, not many of our discipline strategies have done much good. Being louder or more stern always results in a ridiculous, unnecessary amount of tears, making the situation 20x worse than it should be. A swat on the hand or a spanking (Addie has received one) has the same reaction as well, as well as making me feel guilty and mean.
I know some people who think spanking is necessary. They say it teaches respect. I know some people who send their kid into their room to cool off, then come to spank them after they've calmed down themselves. I know some people who only spank when their child does something to put a life (theirs or someone else's) in danger. (Like running out into the street, etc.) I know some people who spank when their child hits. (Ironic? Hypocritical? Anyone?) Even though spanking occasionally seems like the best idea, it's not something I want to do. Not at all. I want to teach my kids about real relationships and about real consequences. In no part of real life is it okay to hit someone. Am I right?
This week, we have had three successful time outs. I think Adair is finally at the age of understanding why she has to take a time out and what a time out really looks like. One time out was for screaming at the top of her lungs when I asked her to move out of the doorway because I needed through. One was for throwing all of her turkey onto the floor because she didn't want to eat it. (Although, I made her pick it all up and throw it away before the time out started!) And one was for hitting me. I approached all three of them the same way. I first told her that what she did was absolutely not okay. Then, I scooped her up, took her into her room, and sat her on her rug. She wasn't allowed to talk. I made her sit there for about one minute total, then explained why her actions were wrong. She then said sorry, and we hugged. All three times. (And so far, none of those bad behaviors have been repeated!)
This method worked for Addie. It worked for me. I didn't get all worked up and neither did she. It was a consequence that she'll likely experience later in life. (Don't we all need a time out from stressful and problematic situations?) She wasn't scared of me, yet she knew I was serious and she knew that what she did was not okay.
It will be interesting to see how we discipline Ingrid once she is able to misbehave. I think many parents treat all of their children the same when it comes to rules and misbehaving and what not. But really, children are different. Addie might need time out and consoling, while Ingrid may need something totally different. We will see!
What about you? What are your views on all of this? (And let's not argue here, but have a nice discussion instead!)
-L
Discipline is by far the hardest part of this parenting gig. Harder than newborn babies. Harder than breastfeeding. Harder than sleep training. Harder than getting your kid to eat. Harder than anything we've done so far. Little Miss Addie takes after her momma in this department, therefore she is hot-blooded and needs to have the last word. (Am I right, Phil? Mom? Dad? Anyone else who has ever argued with me??)
The kind of parent I want to be is loving, calm, and caring, 100% of the time. I want my kids to trust me. I don't want them to fear me, not at all. I don't want to raise my voice. I don't want to yell. I don't want to grab or spank. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me. However, my instinct is to raise my voice, spank, and insight fear into Addie's little soul so that she'll realize I'm not messing around and so that she'll change her ways and stop actin' a fool. :) Just kidding... Slightly...
Two things I know about this method of parenting so far: 1) These things are ALWAYS about me releasing my anger instead of about teaching my child a lesson, and 2) Neither of them work. At least not for me or my kid. I have to remind myself that discipline should not be about me being the boss or getting my anger out. I also have to remind myself that Addie isn't even two.
A friend of mine told me awhile back, "I'm not responsible for controlling my children. I'm responsible for teaching my children to be able to control themselves." That has stuck with me for a long time. Until this week, not many of our discipline strategies have done much good. Being louder or more stern always results in a ridiculous, unnecessary amount of tears, making the situation 20x worse than it should be. A swat on the hand or a spanking (Addie has received one) has the same reaction as well, as well as making me feel guilty and mean.
I know some people who think spanking is necessary. They say it teaches respect. I know some people who send their kid into their room to cool off, then come to spank them after they've calmed down themselves. I know some people who only spank when their child does something to put a life (theirs or someone else's) in danger. (Like running out into the street, etc.) I know some people who spank when their child hits. (Ironic? Hypocritical? Anyone?) Even though spanking occasionally seems like the best idea, it's not something I want to do. Not at all. I want to teach my kids about real relationships and about real consequences. In no part of real life is it okay to hit someone. Am I right?
This week, we have had three successful time outs. I think Adair is finally at the age of understanding why she has to take a time out and what a time out really looks like. One time out was for screaming at the top of her lungs when I asked her to move out of the doorway because I needed through. One was for throwing all of her turkey onto the floor because she didn't want to eat it. (Although, I made her pick it all up and throw it away before the time out started!) And one was for hitting me. I approached all three of them the same way. I first told her that what she did was absolutely not okay. Then, I scooped her up, took her into her room, and sat her on her rug. She wasn't allowed to talk. I made her sit there for about one minute total, then explained why her actions were wrong. She then said sorry, and we hugged. All three times. (And so far, none of those bad behaviors have been repeated!)
This method worked for Addie. It worked for me. I didn't get all worked up and neither did she. It was a consequence that she'll likely experience later in life. (Don't we all need a time out from stressful and problematic situations?) She wasn't scared of me, yet she knew I was serious and she knew that what she did was not okay.
It will be interesting to see how we discipline Ingrid once she is able to misbehave. I think many parents treat all of their children the same when it comes to rules and misbehaving and what not. But really, children are different. Addie might need time out and consoling, while Ingrid may need something totally different. We will see!
What about you? What are your views on all of this? (And let's not argue here, but have a nice discussion instead!)
-L
2 comments:
Time outs are wonderful. We have done timeouts with hailey for 10 months (we started when she was about 2 years old). I'm not sure what started this but now she's screaming at me from timeout. She too is not aloud to talk. I think when she breaks the silent timeout rule we will begin to take things away. Toys will be put up so she can see them and remember why they are there. Of course we will take them down soon after she calms down. We shall see how this goes! Good luck with Addie!
Dangit, somehow all the other comments got deleted. So sorry, friends.
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